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I Went to A Tantric Sex Party And This is What I Learned

By K.M. Rayner

Sometimes the universe dishes up unexpected gifts, and sometimes those cosmic offerings will lead you to cradling a grown man like a baby in a weird fuck dungeon and feeling totally chill with it. Welcome, my friends, to the ‘Sacred Dungeon’ that is BliXX and the world of kinky tantra sexuality.

It all started a few months earlier. I’d recently completed my yoga teacher training in India and while the drop-crotch, tie-dyed, factory-farmed yogi vibe wasn’t particularly illuminating, it definitely taught me what I didn’t want. Thankfully, In a fortunate-stroke of serendipity shortly after I returned, I saw a job ad on the sacred spiritual plane of Facebook that practically grabbed me by the hand and pulled me directly into the tantric scene that intrigued me.


It takes a special sort of person to take you from “hmm, this sounds interesting” to letting a stranger truss you up like a Christmas ham, and for me that person was Bea. A vivacious Spanish woman with a deep understanding of polarity blanketing all areas from BDSM to business and a no-nonsense approach that cut through the new-age bullshit like a laser beam. Bea has the sort of energy that will boot you in the ass (with loving kindness, obv) and give you the courage to hurl yourself into the unknown instead of “om shanti” chanting about the place waiting for things to happen. Her vision was to create a safe-space where people who see others as actual humans instead of sentient fleshlights could get their fuck on surrounded by good vibes and zero judgement. I was down.


Cut to a couple of months later, in a room full of people loudly moaning and massaging their sex chakra while clenching their “anus muscle,” I wasn’t sure how down I was anymore, but I’m glad I persevered because shit got profound.

So, if you’ve ever considered going to a tantric sex party, but have wilted with fear and doubt over what it might entail, here are 9 important insights I learned:


1. The People Aren’t Total Freaks


I’ll admit it, when I imagined the sort of crowd who would go to a kink-tantric sex party, I was fearing the worst. Visions of doughy social awkward dudes who couldn’t get laid in the ‘real world’ and holier-than-thou hippie types danced behind my closed eyelids the night before. Could I actually...touch these people?!


Thankfully, I didn’t have to find out because everyone was bloody lovely and made me feel instantly dreadful for my hackneyed preconceptions. There were people of all genders, ethnicities, nationalities and sexualities thrown into the mix, but the one thing they had in common was that they were open and heart-meltingly sincere.


Two things really stood out for me when it came to my fellow erotic explorers: their sense of humour when shit got weird and their willingness to toss aside the masks we all wear in the big, bad world. You can’t tell just anyone your darkest sexual fantasy while eating quinoa from a paper plate surrounded by mattresses, but this crowd made it work.


2. It Doesn’t Feel Aggressively Sexual


Like it or lump it, we all have ideas of what sex should be like pounded into our skulls from an early age. Whether it’s a soft-focus montage featuring lustful fistfuls of satin sheets or that scene in Showgirls where Elizabeth Berkley is flapping around like a fish colliding with a cattle prod, it’s all a bit unrealistic.


Thanks to porn, the media and, indeed, the ever present male gaze, having sex is intrinsically viewed as a performative act. One that is essentially a frantic goal-orientated race to make each other come through the holy grail of penetration. It’s also creepily depicted as something that men ‘take’ and women ‘give.’ When you strip back these performative and gendered elements, being sexual seems a lot less scary and shameful.


Of course, being pinned to mattress by a shirtless stranger while you feel their teeth gnashing your neck as they play ‘predator’ is sexual, but it’s also hilarious and playful which are not lenses we are used to viewing sexuality though.


Peeking at things from these different angles helps to remove the needless fuck terror of unspoken — and almost always projected — expectations. When you don’t think anyone expects anything of you, it makes everything so much more chill and, dare I say it, innocent.


3. You Don’t Have to Take Your Clothes Off to Have a Good Time


I’m the sort of person who will whip their clothes off at the drop of a hat, but it felt a bit much to get totally starkers in an environment where — to put it bluntly — there would be boners. When you are already exposing yourself mentally and pushing your boundaries, clothes are a nice security blanket.


I don’t know what the opposite of pearl-clutching is, but I honestly expected people to be doing just that over my ‘prudish’ overdressed self killing the vibe. Do you know what, though? Nobody gave a flying fuck that I didn’t strip down and most of them didn’t either, so if you’re apprehensive about baring all, don’t be. You don’t have to take your clothes off to go to a sex party, and that’s official.


4. Basically Everyone You Have Ever Met Is a Pervert, Just Like You. The End


Have your fantasies ever made you want to crawl into your shame hole and cover yourself over with dirt forever for the good of humanity? For almost all of us, the answer is a resounding “YES,” but it doesn’t have to be like because everyone you’ve ever met is a pervert just like you. The end.

Talking about what turns you on is one of the most harrowing territories in bone-town, but this BliXX Journey showed me that it is incredibly normalising to air your dirty fantasies with people who are also sharing their deep, human, fleshy vulnerability. If anything, it will make you feel like a total vanilla basic.

Trust me, I bet if you Google ‘Top 10 sexual fantasies’, yours will be there.


5. Consent Is Essential… And Also Awkward AF


Sitting opposite someone and telling them you are totally not down with the list of things they would like to do to you is a pretty toe-curling experience, but without clear and explicit consent, there can be no kink.


It’s common knowledge that consent is an absolute minefield — and the BliXX Journey made me think more deeply about why that is. Essentially, most of us are pretty empathetic people and knowing that someone is expressing something potentially embarrassing makes us want to protect them from humiliation. This can lead to going along with things you don’t really want to do, just to be a ‘good’ person.


Telling someone that their kink does nothing for you is excruciating. You worry about hurting their feelings and being judged. But, just imagine how bad it the other person would feel if they knew you were caving into sexual demands that make you feel uncomfortable just to be ‘kind’. Not only is it gross, but it’s also patronising and implies you don’t think they can take a rejection. Fuck putting anyone in that position, just be painfully honest.


6. Eye-gazing Will Blow Your Motherfucking Mind Into Weeping Shards


So, it turns out that if you look into another person’s eyes for a few minutes your mind will explode into tiny specs of stardust, and then some of that stardust will get in your eye and you will have to excuse yourself for crying.


Through this exercise, I saw a stranger with such intimacy; all of his vulnerability, pain, fear and joy naked and trusting before me. We were one and the same and the love I hold inside myself was for me, him, you and all of humanity. I felt the connection between us all in my soul.


This profound insight was kind of marred by the fact that I then had to totally avoid the bloke in question all night because I was worried I might lose my mind and propose to him or something, but it was good while it lasted!


7. It’s Surprisingly Easy To Build Intimacy With Strangers


Strangers are scary. Sometimes they do all sort of terrible things like voting for Trump or trying to speak to you on public transport. You can’t trust them.


Except, you can. When I arrived at the xperience and everyone was awkwardly sitting on the balcony making small talk, I thought about the absolute absurdity of feeling nervous about asking someone for a cigarette when they could potentially be balls deep in me later. It just didn’t seem like it was possible to drag this nervous and disparate group together.


It was though, and I learned it is surprisingly easy to be intimate with strangers. They don’t know your baggage, you don’t know their baggage and you might never see each other again.


8. Men Can Be Fucking Adorable


One of the things that touched me the most about the event was seeing men being tender, sensitive and open; essentially all of the things that society quietly whispers into their ears not to be.


There was something about seeing grown men gamely throw themselves into spanking each other’s asses and not giving a shit what other people might think of it that really hit me in the feels.


9. You’ll Definitely Have a Laugh If Nothing Else


The words I am Louis Theroux, I am Louis Theroux will probably clatter through your mind more times than you can count, but if you don’t get off at the event, you are at least definitely guaranteed a laugh.


I was surprised at how funny the BliXX Journey was and how it was totally okay to burst into explosive laughter about it at any given moment. From chanting to cover the noise of repeatedly failing bluetooth speakers to accidentally spanking someone so hard that the noise was enough to stop the room, so many things resulted in peals of giggles from the crowd.


For some reason I was expecting everything to be serious and intense, and while those powerful moments definitely happened, the essence of the tantric sex workshops was pure innocent fun.


Xperience review by our precious BliXXstar: Karly


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